Part 5- I've Seen I AM

She awoke to a knock. She smiled, surprised at her reaction; she knew she was ready.  She tussled her hair, pulled on her rain boots and turned the key. Anticipation welled up inside her as the lock clicked free and she turned the handle. He looked into her eyes and she was lost in the Love she saw in His. He looked past her appearance and saw into her soul. " I love you", he said. " Follow me", and he held out his hand.  As she stepped out the door and took His hand, the house crumbled behind her setting fire and she ran through the path he cleared before her... She ran through the afternoon, but did not become weary. Finally, they stopped in a field of lilies, enclosed by white birches  just as the sun was setting on the horizon. They laid on their backs in the soft grass, and he whispered into her ear wooing her and making her heart swell with joy. She had smiled so much that day her cheeks hurt, and she saw no rest for them in the days to come. He loved her, and she was His.He had made a place inside her heart, and she could never again hide from him. She didn't want to hide from Him.  He waved His hand above them and stars burst into view like a canopy surrounding her on all sides. She laid her head on His chest, and fell asleep, lost in love, resting in His embrace, and free for the first time.  " I've seen I am, now I know that I am loved. I've seen I am, and now I know who I am. I saw you Jesus. I saw your eyes. I saw your smile. Maybe it was just a dream, but I believe it is reality. You walked right through my walls... I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I am Loved. I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I am Loved, I am Loved, I am Loved by the I AM. "  ~ Jonathan David Helser

Part 4- He's Here

The next day she looked out her window and He was sitting on top of the far wall. With ease He jumped down into the maze and her heart skipped a beat. What was He doing? She had not agreed to finally meet Him face to face! That night she tossed and turned. She was in a cave sitting in complete darkness, and she was terrified. There was a chill in the air, and she wanted out as fast as possible. She shakily stood up and grappled her way to the wall, tripping over rocks and skinning her knees. She walked for what seemed like hours, and finally sank to her knees exhausted, and began to weep. She cried into the darkness,  " Where are you? I need you! I'm scared!" Still silence, and no reply. " Don't give up on my please! I'll follow you, just bring me out of here!" she wept and buried her face in the dirt.       A wind blew in through the cave and she suddenly felt someone right beside her. She knew it was Him as His fingers intertwined in with hers and He lifted her off the cold earth. Together they walked hand in hand in a comfortable silence. Each step she took she could feel burdens falling off of her shoulders and disappearing into the emptiness she was leaving behind. Finally she saw the light at the opening of the cave and stepped into it, breathing in the fresh air; Life. it was the most beautiful scene she had ever witnessed. Mountains surrounded her on all sides and the river winding between them in the valley was the deepest blue, but even from this distance she felt she could see to the bottom of it. She walked to the edge of the cliff, and spread her arms wide surrendering to whatever this moment had. He held her there, and she was no longer afraid. If she jumped he would catch her. Fear no longer had it's grips on her.

Part 3- The Letters

     The next day the first letter arrived and the months to follow they filled her mailbox.

Letters from a suitor

Letters from a Father

Letters from a creator

He attempted to free her spirit, by reminding who she is. He started simply, slowly speaking truth to open her ears to his voice.

January:  "You're my daughter. There could never be a more beautiful you." 

February: "The plans I have were intricately designed with you in mind. Be healed, and be confident to heal my people." 

March: " I love your voice". 

She couldn't help herself when she read his letter and stood on her kitchen counter and "roared", surprised at the lion in her belly, she giggled and continued to sing throughout the night. It had been a long time since she had enjoyed the sound of her own voice. Being shut out from the world, silence had become her companion.

April: "You can trust me. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. You don't have to be alone. You weren't created to be alone."  

May: "You do not have a spirit of fear, but of strength. Walk into that spirit the one of truth, and be strong and courageous."

June: "With me you are free to dance and twirl" 

She danced around her room and twirled like a little girl in the park until she was so dizzy she lied on the ground and felt the room continue to spin.. 

July: "Why do you look for pursuers, why are you sad from not receiving a man's attention. He will never be as attentive to you as I am, I have pursued you your entire life and will continue to, because you are worth it."

August: " I don't care about your past. I separate it as far as the east is from the west and embrace you now. You don't have to be perfect or have all of your crap together, I love you."

How could you love me?? she thought.. How?

September: "Don't make excuses for why I couldn't possibly love you. Your thoughts are not my thoughts, and your ways are not my ways. I have a different standard of mercy, and of love. I love to bring you out of your past, to use your weakness to show my strength. Let me."

October: "Why do you shut yourself away dear one? I saw you once care for others. I created you for community and sacrifice hand in hand.I smile when you show others love. I desire for you to love others as long as your life lasts; then your spirit will never become dull and indifferent." 

November: " You are my wild child. You were not made to be put in prison, but to jump off cliffs into deep waters, to run naked through fields, to sing praises to the heavens, and sleep under vast endless starry skies. Your heart won't stand it much longer. Let the tears fall I'll catch you when you fall. Let go. " 

That night she slept in the garden, and saw shooting stars and a full moon. In the morning she woke up to the smell of fresh grass and dew drops. When she got to the front door there was another letter on the steps:

"There is a stirring in you my child. You were made to worship."

December: " I am unwavering. I am truth in all that I do, and I love grace. I long to be who you turn to in times of trouble, and in moments of joy.  The more you speak to me and search to know me, the easier it will be to know your own heart, to hear my voice and to see my face. Don't get me wrong, in your life there will be troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world, and will equip you for anything the day could bring. "

" Unlock the door. I want to walk with you, and talk with you. We used to walk daily in the garden, let's go back to those times. Let's not settle for a long distance relationship. Paper and pen can only get us so far."

She trembled at his request. See him in person! How could she? He hadn't seen her, if he did he would change his mind. They always did. She was not the skinniest, prettiest, wittiest or most funny. I'm clumsy and awkward, who would want me for life? she thought. My heart is full of awful things, things I could never share. I could never look into his eyes; I'm too ashamed. It's safe here, It's easier.

Part 2- A Visitor

One day alone in her room she looked through her barred windows and into the woods surrounding her house of confinement and saw a man, and she was afraid. She drew the blinds and checked the lock....Secure as always.       She curled up on her couch, snuggled into her quilts in front of the glowing fire and drifted off to sleep. In her dreams she was met by a lion; she was a lamb. She ran in fear of him. She ran frightened for her life, frightened for her security. She ran to her fortress and cowered in the darkness, but it's comforts were no more as he stepped through the walls to stand before her and look into her eyes.  Fear was replaced by relief.  Doubt replaced with faith. Insecurity by a belonging. A Prison exchanged for freedom.       He lead her into green pastures and his presence was her protection.  She awoke to a small whisper...  "Here I am"

Part 1-A Lonely Prison

"Love is letting my voice out of the cage I turn my heart into.

It's confused and it's used to the dark.

Constantly bound by fear and insecurity. " 

     She closes the journal and sighs. She's been hurt before, disappointed, and rejected, so she welcomed the lock, the walls, the door, and the roof that sealed her confinement.

     Neither could those who would hurt her come in, nor could she be smashed if she set out on foot open to the world. It's true a life of silence could be lonely, at times unbearable, but she had become numb to any visitors pursuits. They no longer walked freely to the door of her heart. She had tried that before; always trusting freely without assurance, and her heart had been ripped to pieces. Now they had to pass through a maze of obstacles, climb over fences, and barriers even to make it to the path to where her heart resided, and once there the door was locked and the key had been thrown away long ago..........

(** I wrote this in November of last year..  a mini series I guess you could say..but it's speaking to me as I reread where my heart was, and where it is now**)