I'm about to bawl again writing this, but they are good tears at least. I have been on a roller coaster of sobbing since I woke up this morning after a restless night of sleep. I think my spirit knew battle was coming. As I text out this morning to some of you I found out via text my grandmother was going in for surgery. This is my grandma Jeanine- aka my best friend in the whole world. I frantically scrambled to call my grandparents cell, and house phone leaving messages with everyone, and finally getting ahold of my uncle Tim- from franklin, TN- who was actually in MT at the hospital with them. Praise the Lord. The message had been wrong. She was meeting with surgeons today, and having surgery tomorrow.. still a weight on my heart. The doctors had gone in before and found nothing when they took biopsy. I thought for sure my grandmother had been completely healed, and that when they did the second biopsy it would just be confirmation and testimony to the medical proffessionals of who really is first and foremost in the business of healing.
Unfortunately- God does things on his own timing, his own view of whats ahead and not mine, and the results came back all malignant in every place and her needing to be rushed for surgery. I talked to my grandmother a bit this morning, and as usual she is strong, solid on the Lord as her rock, optimistic, and even Joyful. She seriously blows me away everytime I speak with her. " Honey, I'm going home one way or the other.." she told me this morning, as I, not her bawled over the phone. She had to get off the phone, because the doctors were calling her in, and she reminded me again to not do anything on account of her. She is fine, and the Lord has her. But my heart is ripping, not being there. Not being there to hold her hand, to pray with her, to speak life over her, read to her, and hear her stories, and just get that time with her that I thought was untouchable, and now seems to be teetering on a suspendable bridge- the old cords of wrope fraying violently.
I talked to some of my family via text when I got off the phone with her about flying back. I looked up flights and straight to montana are way out of my price range. Going to Portland right away is even $500 dollars for a one way from Raleigh, and so I stopped to just sit for a minute and pray. Lord I need to get out of here. I kept feeling " Wait.. " And so i decided to go for a run to clear my thoughts, and let the Lord speak. I jogged towards the greenway and was sobbing on and off the entire way, listening to praise and worship music on random, but every song was so intentionally lifting up my spirit. As I sung out a "he is always holy" a woman I was jogging by said," Thats right! Amen.. keep going honey. Praise him..." I smiled back at her and started bawling again.. still running. At several points along the way in the woods I knelt down to sob and pray, and felt the Lord cover me with Peace. I prayed for a divine appointment, a word of encouragement. " Lord- let me meet an angel, please..someone to tell me Don't be afraid."
I rounded the bend for the last leg of my run, and the same woman who had said "Amen.. keep going." flagged me down and asked me what church I belonged to. She was a larger african american lady, clearly not a native american from her accent. I told her I was just passing through, and from Portland. She asked me what was troubling me, clearly I had been crying with my puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. I told her what I had just found out about my grandmother through sobs, and she told me her story:
" Child. Nothing is impossible through our Father. He is a good God. He is a good Father, and he will watch over you, just as he has watched over me. I am from Zambia, and at a time when I was traveling back and forth to amsterdam a lot I had been diagnosed with cancer in my breast. This was 10 years ago. It was so bad, malignant, they had taken a biopsy and told me I needed surgery. But when I went back in for my last scan and to schedule surgery the doctors came back with a clean report. They didn't understand. They told me they must have made a mistake, and I told them they hadn't, but that the Lord was bigger than cancer, and had come in my body and healed me. I have never had any other problems since, and continue to praise him. He honors our belief, our sincere faith. Ask him sincerely from your heart and trust him to Move."
I sobbed the entire time she retold this phenomenal act of grace the Lord had done in her life, and she hugged me. I asked her to pray for me, and she said, "yes, I will, and we will call upon the Lord for your grandmother right now." She declared healing over my grandma Jeanine on that greenway path, as joggers and walkers slowed down to see what could have brought these radically different women together holding hands and crying. She cried as she prayed for the Lord's mercy, and his peace to cover our family, and for all attacks of the enemy to be thworted. She said " Lord come heal OUR grandmother, for this is my sister." For Jesus to triumph as he has again and again over cancer and all sickness. Lord we believe and trust you are able."
She hugged me again, and said " Be of Great Faith sister." and walked away. I stood there a little stunned. And continued with my run, still sobbing as was the theme of my afternoon, but in a different way. These were sobs of unbelief, that I had prayed for an angel and the Lord had given me one. I had prayed for word and he had spoken. He had seen me in Raleigh, NC on the shelley lake greenway. He had heard my cry. I laughed for a while after that as I paused looking over shelley lake. Our God is so good. I have proclaimed again and again that no matter what comes ahead I will sing Hallelujah. I even declared in our hostel room in Vietnam, that if the thing I feared the most happened ( which for me was to lose someone close to me, specifically my grandmother..) that I would still declare he was good, and I would still Love him. And here I am faced with my greatest fear, and I do, I still Love him. He is still good. He is so faithful, and he is always keeping me on my toes.
Please continue to keep my Grandma Jeanine and Grandfather, and just our whole family in your prayers. Pray the Lord provides a way for me to get there quickly to be near her and encourage her. Just pray he would be made known through everything that happens along the way. I know he is good. I know he is faithful, and I know he clearly bends down to hear our cry ( psalm 116). Thank you Lord for sending an angel to me in Raleigh, NC. Even when the road ahead looks scary, my worst fear, I'll praise you- I'll be of strong faith and courage just like my amazing grandmother. Thanks for her God.
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