Gratitude: I have now

        I have now. It is the only thing I am in control of, and able to give away; this decision, this moment. I can promise Christ to live my life for him tomorrow, but I don’t even have that yet. I think it’s a lot harder to promise him now, and actually live for him. Promising him tomorrow seems like procrastinating to me. 

Unfortunately I don't capitalize on the now. I waste it hoping to accomplish things in the later now, that then get pushed off again. I am not always the greatest steward of my time. 

God has been speaking to me a lot about thankfulness. I am learning day by day to be thankful in the small things, and in doing so I see the bigger things to be thankful for as well. When we slow down the hurry and soak in this moment, time increases: it is fuller and I see more clearly. It is the daily things that build into and create our life. I don't want to just be thankful for climactic events a couple of times a year. I am thankful for the life I have been granted today. I am thankful for the new life Christ died to give me. I am thankful that I now live as Christ. It is one thing to say, and another entirely to live*. Does the life I live daily show others I am thankful for it, truly treating it as a gift? Tonight on my run God was speaking to me about ** “living a life worthy of the calling..” about living now, doing now, being now, no more saving things for later.

No more “should haves..”, “would haves..”, “I meant to..” or “good intentions”. I am easily distracted, and when someone is on my heart I need to call them, or write to them, or I get an idea I need to run to the computer and get it out or grab my journal and get it down on paper. So often I put things off until later, and they get left undone only to become a nice after thought. I promise you I have the best intentions. In learning to appreciate the simple things and live present in this moment I need to start doing. To stop putting off until later, because there may not be a later, or maybe there will be, but circumstances will have changed. 

I have put off learning languages, running, writing, phone dates, reading through the old testament, responding to emails- you name it and I have probably put it off. This week I have decided to full frontal attack Procrastination, because I’ve realized he’s a cousin of Apathy who I have sworn to not associate with. 

Last week I started running again, Oh the agony, I loathe the first two weeks of getting back into running, it’s awful. But I walked out my door and declared that I will be a person who completes things. I stood on my porch and shouted, “ I love running!”, because I might as well be joyful if I’m going to do it, and give the neighbors a good laugh whenever I am able. I’ve said I am going to run a 10k and by golly I will. I’ve also said I am going to blog every week, and I shall. I have wanted to send a couple snail mails a week to friends, and that’s going to start now. I will be a person who is known for following things through to completion. It’s one thing to be a dreamer and another to change the world. 

I believe all things in our life are intricately connected: spiritual, emotional and physical. And so I am starting with baby steps to be more faithful in each. I am proud to say I have run every other day the past 14 days. What started as 30 minute heaving runs have now become hour long slightly less heaving runs and I am looking forward to them at the end of the day instead of thinking of excuses to avoid them...10k here I come.

So what is it that you have been putting off? Are you avoiding dates with friends, because you will have to face things you are struggling with? Are you a fellow support raiser and have pushed it back on your to-do list that keeps growing? Are you a writer and you have let fear sneak in and tell you it’s not worth writing today, who will care, who will read it? Have you been meaning to finish the old testament, or the new or just be in the word? Have you been meaning to mow your neighbors lawn, or take that man you always see on the street corner to lunch and hear his story? Do you have ideas for a book, or just need to blog or journal? Have you been putting off turning in resumes, or training for a race? What’s stopping you? Do you need to declare your undying love to someone? ( that last one is a reach.. I know, but if you are inspired to, and do please share about it! It will make my heart happy.) 

Tonight I realized that I have never come in from a run and said, “ Man, that was a waste of time, I wish I didn’t do that..”, but so many times I have sat immobile and said, “I should totally go for a run right now.” 

I realize that there are a lot more important things than running, but like I’ve said before God speaks to me when I hit the trails, and for that reason alone I should run like I’m training for marathons, just to hear his voice. Tonight he has motivated me to run, to blog, to write chapters, to pray, to write letters, and to write snail mail; if you’d like to receive some then text me your address or send it to me in an email. I am always looking for another pen pal. It is a little ridiculous how excited I get when I find a card in the mail. I jump for joy, I smell it, I hold it close to my chest and hug it, and then I run inside to a comfy spot to sit and savor it. Receiving a hand written note makes me feel more loved than you could imagine (hint hint). Last week I received two! You know who you are and I love you more for it. Just saying. 

In conclusion. Get moving. Actually “Do” your to-do list. Be someone of diligence, of perseverance, and completion. Let’s set lofty goals and complete them together. Lets set small goals and see them through. Know that when the going gets tough there will be a choice to stop and say, “that’s enough”, but then you may sit later and say “I should have..” Lets decide to swing our arms a little harder, dig our shoes into the mud, take a deep breath and heave up the hill with no regrets, no good intentions, but dangerous people who set their hearts and minds on something and make vision become a reality. The best things in life take hard work to accomplish, they wouldn’t be as satisfying completed if they didn’t. 

Let’s become people who are different, because we stood up and set out to be, instead of sitting as the days passed us by, one “should have..”, “could have..”, “maybe someday..” at a time.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, but day by day she was built.."

*James 2:14-26 - " Faith without works is dead.."

** Ephesians 4:1 - " Therefore I, a prisoner (slave) for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, because you have been called by God."

*** Ephesians 4-5 is some of my favorite scripture. God cares about the daily. He even says don't let the sun go down on your anger, that's one night, and even that is important. Let every one of our days, hours, minutes..be a pleasing aroma to God the Father following the example of Christ. If we don't strive for perfection whether it can be accomplished here on earth or not, then what is our standard? Too often our standard is too low, it is only Christ that we should measure against, not our neighbor. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Awake O sleeper, rise up from the dead and Christ will give you light. Wake up! Wake up sons and daughters, wake up SLAVES of Christ. A slave is not lazy, apathetic, or a procrastinator, but attentive to his masters every need and dependent on his every provision. He is in tune like a shadow to his king. And his king takes care of him. We are called to Christ in that way. That we would be bound to him above all others, and everyday is what concerns him, his likes, his heart, and they become our own. Our will, becomes Christ's will. We have traded our life for his. SO be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the MOST of every opportunity in these evil days. Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Oh Lord too many of my days have passed by not worthy to remember: thoughtless. Center me, focus me that your will would be carried out through me everyday, and there would be no more questioning the purpose of what am I doing here.

Gratitude: Interim

in·ter·im: 

noun

1.

an intervening time; interval; meantime: in the interim.

2.

a temporary or provisional arrangement; stopgap; makeshift.

tran·si·tion  

noun

1.

movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

These are the states I am currently in. Words that have become a regular part of my explanation so to speak. Words that when the next thing happens I planned on stepping away from, but I’ve realized in the last several weeks these words never go away. God has been using the books I’m reading, the people in my life, sermons I’ve listened to, and this “interim” period to speak to me about interim, and about transition, because these two are necessary for a life sanctified. 

They work interchangeably, and just as we think one has gone, the other returns. We’ve done them our whole lives, but if you’re like me, you’ve done them incorrectly. Whenever I am in a place in life I don’t particularly care for or that’s uncomfortable I idealize the one coming after, only to get there and realize there will have to be transition and interim within it as well...Our life is made up of transitions, of periods of preparation and in embracing them we get to see the work God is doing to sanctify. 

I don’t know where you are right now. You could be waiting to finish school and you just know life is going to hit it’s groove when you land that first job, or get married. Or you could be could be changing jobs, moving, or about to have children. Whatever it is you’re moving through or towards understand that you never stop- Life continues to move and therefore you continue to transition and to shift from interim to interim. They aren’t spaces to be rushed through, every interim is full of the minutes, days, weeks, and years that make up your life- you don’t want to bear through them, but live each one fully. There is so much to be had in each one. Each one truly does prepare you for the next. 

My interim right now is in Portland, living with my sister, and working as a nanny. God has been speaking so much to me through it. You see I have things coming that I am looking forward to, things that could seem bigger and grander than where I currently am, and then I am reminded in the quiet of a sanctuary that if I cannot be fully content here then moving to the next thing will not satisfy either. 

We are studying Philippians at Solid Rock, my church here in Portland. Paul is trying to get us to understand that our contentment comes from the one true Lord- King Jesus. But, the reality hits of my discontentment and I am torn- How can Paul be content in Prison? Why isn’t he like, “ When will this horrible season be over, I’m ready for the good stuff?” 

I don’t get it, because I treat hard periods as interim and the ones I like as real life, but they aren’t separate. They are both life, and both needed to live. And there hits the nail of discontent right on the head, I feel my heart pound as it’s hit again, and again. You’ve shed light on something Paul. I am choosing what qualifies as life, I only want to take the good bits; call everything else transition. Contentment isn’t conditional. He’s saying he doesn’t pick and choose; That in prison or while living as a king he is content, and even Joyful.(* see Acts 16:25) Though circumstances changed around him Jesus remained as Lord of his life- the one consistency. 

My contentment in any season is linked directly to who is Lord over my life. Paul knew that and placed King Jesus where he needed to be, and because he was always the master, and Paul the slave there was content, joy and peace, because things could change and transition around him, but his source of life remained unchanging. Life changes, we cannot live dependent on the stuff in our life, our current financial situation, or even the people that are there, because all that could change in a moments notice. We can only be prepared for the constant transition, the changing of interims if we have surrendered our life to Jesus- because in any change he is constant. 

In moments of discontent I’m no longer asking, “What around me is affecting me or needs to change so that I am satisfied, and content here?”, but instead realizing in that moment my question need be not to myself, but to King Jesus: 

“Why am I not satisfied and content in you Jesus? Please change my heart. Give me a heart that looks forward to and embraces life, life that is made of ever changing interims, and uses transitions to sanctify. Continue to knock down the idols I’ve put in my life that try and take your place as Lord. I want to be fully satisfied in you Lord. You are the master and I am the slave. Thank you for transitions and interim Lord. Sanctify me.”

sanc·ti·fy   

verb 

1.

to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.

2.

to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts.

* Paul and Silus have just been stripped, beaten, and thrown in the stocks and they are praying and singing hymns to God... really? When was the last time I was in a "prison" so to speak and praising God for it?

On a fun note: This "interim" is serious multi-tasker training. Oh yea I can hold a bottle with my chin and read, type and do dishes:) 

Gratitude: Learned Laughter

Smile: Everything looks better with a mustache. On our walk Haddie and I could only manage to find things that needed a little "something" extra. That "something"- a mustache, and we were thankful for the "Mustache Me App", awkward women gnomes, graffiti, faces on trees, and other yard figurines. Mustaches make me laugh.

Gratitude: Learned Laughter

That friend who rolls on the floor laughing, a grandmother who giggles in any situation, a laugh so hard you slap your knee and struggle to breathe, laughs that turn to snorts and hurt abs, a babies deep bellied full laugh- these are a good medicine. Joy is one of the most dangerous weapons in the kingdom of God. 

I feel like in almost every hard moment there is the chance to become anxious, sad, angry or ( insert your own emotion) and then looming on the other side is laughter.  I picture him as that annoying "Mr.Tickle" that I have read a million and one times with Adrian. Peeking from behind a door, or under a table, watching, and waiting. Waiting to see if you will choose Joy- Joy in all circumstances. It is a rare person who will- I am blessed to know several of them. People who in the midst of hardship see "Mr. Tickle" and take him up on his offer to laugh rather than be pulled into the down spiral of a fallen world. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying to deny what you are really feeling and laugh, but what if instead of letting our emotions rule us, we put them in their place and decided to laugh?

Think of a time you've been irritated this week, got in a fight with a friend, roommate or spouse. Think about the time the kids made a huge mess; What was your response? What if it had been laughter? What if you had not let it phase you and took the higher road of Joy? How would that day have been different? How would today be different? What if we took off the white gloves of control and expectation in a broken messy world, and dug our hands into the mud laughing?

Hear me out, I said "I know several of these people." I did not claim to be one of them, but I sure want to learn how. Learn. Paul speaks of learning to be content in all circumstances in chapter four of Philippians. The greek word for learn here is:

Manqano: to increase one's knowledge, be appraised, to hear, to be informed, to learn by use and practice, to be in the habit of, accustomed to.

Philippians 4:11-12 

" I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or with little."

In "One thousand gifts" Voskamp writes about this learned Joy. Paul says it twice, it must be important; This secret Paul discovered. In the verses preceding, Paul says:

Phil 4: 4-7  

" Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

Paul says, REJOICE always, be anxious for NOTHING, and in EVERYTHING, with THANKSGIVING give it to the Lord and His PEACE will be yours. If I am taking the Bible at it's word- no wiggling to make it more comfortable or give myself excuses, this sounds pretty explicit. I have the choice to offer thanksgiving when I could become anxious. I have the choice to receive his peace in every situation. 

I have the CHOICE to Laugh. It is learned. I must train to make it a habit. To let go of the reins, and even just laugh at the thought that I was Lord of my life. "Here you go God, you're right, you'd take much better care of this situation than I would, and I'm sorry for thinking it was too big for you. Ha! Everything is finite compared to your infinite glory."

Philippians 4:13 

" I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 

Verse 13 is one of the most quoted and over used verses in Scripture. We tattoo it on our bodies, and tag it on our emails, but do we actually use it. Have we gotten the secret Paul was talking about and put it to practice to learn to use it? 

       I can't will myself to be joyful when being provoked. I can't will myself to serve my roommate when they drive me crazy and I have to pick up after them. I can't will myself to smile at the person who just cut me off in traffic. I can't will myself to love all the "flaws" I am seeing in my spouse. I cannot will myself to have peace with children screaming and running all over the place. That's the point. I can't, but He can. 

I can call on Him and thank Him for the family I have and the opportunity to love them. I can thank him for being able to live with a friend and turn on my favorite music and dance and laugh while I clean up the apartment to serve them. I can thank him for not being in a hurry when someone else is this morning, and bless instead of curse them through him. I can thank him that He loves me in all my brokenness and imperfections and I can love my spouse (in the future) because of that. And in the chaos I can thank him for the spirit alive in my kids (again future-or shout out to my nannies!) and the opportunity to scream at the top of my lungs and play with them embracing the child like that He calls me to. Embracing the Joy. Training myself in the spirit of Thanksgiving, and simply Laugh.

The best things in life are free, but not easy. Let's practice the art of being Joyful in all circumstances, because honestly, wouldn't you rather Laugh? This is a skill that will serve us the rest of our lives.

Gratitude: A Treasure Hunt

  

A Treasure Hunt, for Worship.     

     

 Today is a gift. I heard this morning that Worship is:  filling the space between us and Jesus. He came as far as he could so that we could be one, and if there is space I’ve put it there. It’s a drawing near. Worship is taking every breath as a gift, and letting every beautiful thing we get to see and be a part of spurn our hearts for the Father. Jesus died so there would be no space. Hell is separation from God. Why do we choose to put ourselves through hell, when Heaven is as close as the skin on our nose? 

A heart of worship is thankful. There is so much to be thankful for everyday. Haddie ( the 3 month old I nanny) and I went on a walk yesterday and I saw some tulips and had to take a picture. Then I saw some blue bonnets, a daffodil, a bright pink door, and the light in Haddie’s eyes. Each time I stopped to take a picture and give thanks. It’s the little things in life that add up to the big, and I want to have a heart that is thankful for everything. Let's not blanket statement pray about thankfulness, but truly start practicing being thankful for everything. I want to worship him in every moment. I want to see the world as a child with excitement and wonder.There has to be a starting place. Here is mine, a treasure hunt. To “stop and smell the roses” so to speak. To have open eyes to see his beauty all around me, and worship. 

Close your eyes and picture darkness and all things cold, hard, and grey; You’re alone in a lifeless stone city ( don’t get excited you geology majors). No really, Do it. Now open them. It doesn’t matter where you are, soak in the beauty that is all around you: people, flowers, clouds, the sounds of your favorite band or silence, smells of coffee or bacon (that one’s for you Joyface), a clear blue sky, or raindrops beating on your windows. Maybe you’re alone and you can spin around the room and let out a shout, maybe you’re not and you still can. Maybe you are with the one you love and you can hold them tighter, or with a friend you can give a huge bear hug to. Do you have strong healthy legs? Well stand up and take a jump, go for a run, or dance. Sing at the top of your lungs and be thankful you can speak. Gaze around the room and be thankful you can soak in all his goodness visually.  Be completely silent and listen for God’s whisper.  

Whatever your place, situation or company God is near. Right now, He’s right beside you, all around you- the most beautiful thing or feeling is a mere reflection of His glory. Let’s go on a treasure hunt you and I- to find the most beautiful reflections we can, and to praise Him for them, and grow more and more thankful hearts of worship in the process. 

       Here is what I've found on my "treasure hunts": 

     

       NE Portland I'm thankful for your originality- for your mustache machines in book stores, your funny graffiti, your amazing ice cream shops, and rows and rows of bicycles. 

You give my sister and I the perfect excuses to explore you.

       

     How innocent is a baby- totally dependent, and full of the simplest, purest joy- what reflects in a babies big eyes is truly holy. 

     I love colored doors- this is the first hot pink one I've found! Right across the street a bright blue trash bin- not too exciting in and of itself, but isn't the color amazing! Oh to paint in the kingdom- where colors know no end. Can you imagine?

Watercolors at Salt & Straw- I love ice cream, I love local art- put them together= JOY. Thank you God for sharing your creativity. We were made by a creative God who loves to inspire. This windmill was just too cool not to be thankful for.

        I don't necessarily love to drive, but the view from the Fremont Bridge is incredible. I love the cityscape of portland- looking out all I want to do is climb mountains ( that's Mt.Hood in the distance), explore the hundreds of coffee shops, boutiques, restaurants, and parks the city has to offer. I would guess at least 100 ( okay maybe 50) some street performers are out and about right now. Saturday I saw a guy who looked like he was straight off Downtown Abby, and another dressed as a werewolf in a suit. 

Some people are turned off to Portland, because of the rain, but look what it brings. Glass half empty, or half full- or over flowing? You decide. I was thankful when I took the shot of this rainbow, because: 

1.) I had just pulled into a gas station after falling asleep at a stop light (could I have narcolepsy?)

2.) I had been driving on empty for a while and wasn't sure if I would make it to said gas station.

3.) My cell phone had died- so I couldn't call for help.

4.) And...the power steering went out while I was on the highway- YIKES!

5.) Finally as I checked under the hood it began to rain. 

When I looked up and saw it there it was like God saying, " I promise to get you home."

Gratitude: Is Everything Meaningless or a Gift?

Gratitude: Is Everything meaningless or a Gift?

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."

Sarah Ban Breathnach

God speaks to me when I run with him, when I walk, when I get away and clear space for him to speak. When I step out of the chaos so to speak. This week I have been having Solomon's same pondering of life. What's the meaning? Are we just here and die, and that's it? Does anything I do matter, make a dent or difference. I've been struggling to get motivated and to finish anything. My life looks like piles of unfinished projects and dreams never dug into and accomplished, and I'm tired of it. I started talking to Haddie, the 3 month old little girl I am nannying, and my thoughts went back to hopelessness of the tasks ahead, and questions I don't have the answers to: (not necessarily in this order..) 

• Fundraising for G-42 or staying in Portland to work and go to school? 
• How do I know for certain I am in God's will when so many options seem plausible?
• Starting a non-profit 
• Making a difference in the lives of children in india, the middle east and around the world 
• How do you know when he's "the one"- is there just one, or several and we just choose?
• Is everything meaningless or does everything carry great significance?
• How can I ever live a life worthy or Christ's death?

There were more, my spirit was heavy. Why can I not seem to get out of this funk? As I babbled on, Haddie looked up at me and started to coo. Then she was giggling, then she snorted, and laughed deep in a way that jerked her whole body and her mouth spread open cheek to cheek. I couldn't help but smile and laugh as well. This. This simple laughing, a baby's smile, and the joy they bring; this is what it is to live. Well- a piece of it. I get the good pleasure of being alive, and enjoying the simple beauties all around me that point to my creator. 

As I drove home that evening I kept getting distracted by Portland- It was hard to focus on the road. Look at all of this around me. This city is beautiful, the buildings, the bridges, the churches and the  businesses. What if the architects only drew the first half of the buildings, the builders grew bored of the labor the bridge took, and left it be. I looked to my left, and Mount Hood was completely visible and the doubts and questions calmed. What if God decided, "Nah, I'll finish creation later.." Would these glorious mountains be here, would I be here. I'm thankful for the follow through-ers, the dreamers who turn them into realities, the architects, the builders, the churches in it for the long haul, the non-profits fighting for kids in sex trafficking, and children without a home. I am thankful that they didn't listen to the voice saying it was all meaningless. I'm thankful God finished, and he said, " It is good." I'm thankful he takes delight in me, and that I can take delight in His beautiful creation and see that he does not leave things half finished, and neither should I. 

This weekend is Easter, and I am reminded that Jesus was born a man, lived, taught and brought kingdom, was tortured and crucified for me until it was finished. And on the third day we could rejoice that after being a dead corpse Jesus rose from the dead and death was defeated. It was truly finished! Death now holds no power, Jesus has the power and he is able to bring any dead thing to life, any pain to joy, any dream to a reality and give meaning to a wandering life. 

I may not know all the answers to my pondering, but I do know that my life is a gift, however long or short, and I want to live it to the fullest for the next year or fifty. I am wasting it questioning the meaning of everything instead of living in the blessing of everything around me, and all that Christ died to accomplish and invite me into. So I will take Anne VosKamp at her challenge and declare thankfulness for the glimpses of truth and life that surround me everyday. Can I list a thousand gifts? I think it is perfectly put that, " thanks is what multiplies the joy and makes any life large, and I hunger for it." * I do hunger for it, a life overflowing with joy, lived for every moment and thankful for the next. Do you?

This is Haddie! 

SMILE! 

* from One thousand Gifts by: Ann VosKamp

Gratitude: Thank you

Gratitude: Thank you

Traveling for the last 15 months has worn me down. I’m literally so drained and unusually tired I looked up symptoms of Narcolepsy online to see if I fit the bill; scary thing is I fit about half of them.

                My last year has been unconventional to put it lightly. I have switched time zones, climates and had more sleep routines than I care to count. I have slept in a tent, a hammock, squished up with 3 other people in one large bed in 90 degree weather, on the floor, in a tree house, in hostels, offices, on airports floors, standing up, in coffee shops, on friend’s laps, in planes, trains, and various automobiles.

                I thought once I returned home to the states I’d settle into one place, I’d have consistency, a regular job-whatever that is, and just some time to recover. God had other plans. He told me to go, to go thank supporters, and visit friends; to essentially jump from couch to bed, to spare bedroom, and more planes trains and automobiles to rest my head. It’s been glorious.  I’ve had restful moments.  I’ve felt I was making a difference, and I’ve felt useless.  I’ve gotten to encourage and I’ve been poured into more than I could retain. I’ve relished every moment with old friends, and picked up some amazing new friends along the way.

 So thank you to everyone who picked me and my belongings up on the side of the road and let me live out of your car. Thank you for the countless rides to and from airports, coffee dates, babysitting, and churches. Thank you for loaned bicycles, for loaned clothes, and cars. Thank you for spare bedrooms, for feeding me abundantly, and for letting me be a part of your daily chaos. Thank you for the walks, talks and tears that we’ve shared; there have been a lot of tears.  In a time when I am figuring out what God is calling me to do, thank you for your patience, your wisdom, your concern, and your prayers. Thank you for loving me well. 

  And thank you to Jennifer Kromhout for the fun photography day. If she can bear through my awkwardness- then she can photograph anyone. Check her out: www.acorn-photo.com or contact her at jennifer@acorn-photo.com