Gratitude: Deciding ( The choice to choose.. part 2)

How cool is the Fremont Troll-  a fun way to be reminded that there are things bigger than me:)

I went to visit a good friend in Seattle the first weekend of May. A change of scenery, an amazing car ride just me and the Lord, and finally I heard him speak. I was told, "Rachael, you're not going to surprise God with your decision. He won't cup his hand over his mouth, gasp and exclaim, " I can't believe she just decided that!" You can step outside of His will by sinning, but you cannot step outside of His sovereignty." Truth shattered fear. Bits of doubt broke away. You cannot step outside of HIs sovereignty. My decision is not bigger than God. 

As the rest of the weekend went on God's whisper was present in my ear. I was in town for a baby shower, and found myself constantly surrounded by pregnant, or at least married women. Even at church it was like everyone, and their mom was pregnant and one false move, one accidental bump and I could send someone into labor. Normally, in these situations I would have a wide smile grin on my face on the outside, and inside be fighting jealousy, comparison, and loneliness. I would be asking the question, "When me Lord?" But this weekend was different. I was surprised that the question never even came to mind. All of this thankfulness in the everyday, in the small things must be paying off. In being thankful for everything going on in my life it has finally after years of fighting it, brought me to a place of contentment. I am not looking on the other side for green grass, but digging my toes in the ground beneath my feet and breathing in the fresh air right where I am. 

As I watched my friends interact as a married couple, I realized just how thankful I am to still be single. Don't get me wrong, their marriage is beautiful; marriage is holy and awesome, but a decision I consider small is magnified in marriage, because two have become one, and now must operate like so. Likewise, a decision that has seemed so large, like the one that could change the course of my life forever, shrunk to it's rightful proportion. This decision to go to Spain now, to stay in Portland, or otherwise is being made by me. While friends and family do weigh in, I am going where I feel God is leading, and he has given me the choice to choose where that will be. I am deciding for one, and I am so thankful for that. One day I may be deciding for two, and then three, and four, but today it's just me. Another wave of Peace hit me, and pressure was released. There is freedom in a decision. 

God gave us free will. He entrusted us with a choice. He wanted us to choose to love him. Not be forced to like robots, but to see His goodness, and be awestruck by his glory. He wanted us to fall in love with him, and love is not real love unless there is the option to say No. God trusts me with decisions. Instead of feeling weak in the face of this decision I should feel empowered that the one who created the universe is allowing me to make it. He empowers me with His grace. No matter what mistake I may make, wrong turn I may take, if I am pursuing Him He sets my feet on the right path-He continues to draw me into himself. In the words of Donald Miller, 

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

I'm thankful for green apes playing bucket drums for my entertainment

  

Driving back to Portland on I-5 Sunday, the sun scattered freckles across my arms and my cheeks, and I finally felt able. Able to make a decision. I talked to God and said, " Lord, I'd really like G-42 to be a part of my story. I don't want to waste a second of this time when I am single. I'm thankful for the things and people in my life that pull me to stay, but Rejoice for the freedom to pick up and go in this moment. I want my story to be one so jam packed with everything life could offer. I don't know why I am so blessed, but debating why I am and another isn't doesn't solve anything. Lord, use me in this time. Use my life to sprinkle blessings on everyone around me. I have been given much and want to share the wealth. G-42 is the way I feel I can pursue you best and step towards the vision you've given me all in one. I'm going for it. I know you're with me, and I know you are much bigger than this moment. "

Mirror Man

God's violent Peace shook me on the way home from Seattle. I don't have to have everything figured out, I can walk towards what's to come, but at the end of the day I can rest easy knowing that my story ends well- In the words of John Mark Comer. This one decision will determine setting, characters, maybe some conflict, and climax, but the resolution is always the same; the ultimate ending, and that is that Jesus returns. He's Lord, and He comes back to right the world. Everything else pales. I look a little ahead and stress. I need to look further out and see that it ends well. My story is good. I am part of a redeeming, powerful, transforming, and victorious future. I'll leave you with Donald Miller. I couldn't write it better myself. 

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

A few more things I'm thankful for.....

Thankful to have not been eaten on these majestic trails by cougars or bears!
Cougar and Bear Wild lands, Highlands, Isaquaa

Seattle's Dinosaurs

Gratitude: The choice to choose.. part 1

Make a Decision to Decide. Sounds like a funny slogan, but it's one I heard a million times over when I got back from the race. I wasn't ready to make a decision. I was stuck. Stuck like gum on a wall in Seattle. Like a disgusting, germ infested mural that everyone adds to at one point or another, reaffirming you are not alone in feeling immobile. There were so many thoughts, options, dreams, and fears running through my mind. All I wanted to do was hit the off switch and power down for a few months to recuperate. Have you ever been there?

As some of you may have read, I posted a blog about G-42. I posted about my plans to go in July, and then that was the last you heard of it. I refused to be stuck. I vowed not to be aimless. I made a decision to decide in January and then in April I decided to step back from that decision to pray, again. I asked my family to pray with me instead of just for me, and let me know what they thought about my going to G-42, what they heard God speaking, and what questions and concerns they might have. I prayed that in this 2 week period we would all be on the same page, and I would have their support not just because I am their daughter, but because they believe in what I am doing as well.

At the end of the two weeks I was blown away by God's faithfulness, and the unity he had brought over my family, unfortunately I felt paralyzed. My family was all saying Go! I thought I'd instantly buy my ticket if my family was 100% on board, and yet I couldn't move. I was so confused. "God, I don't understand, why do I no longer have a peace about leaving in July? I actually don't feel swayed to leave for Spain or stay in Portland, or anything else. What am I going to do?" I felt like I could do nothing. The only thing I felt able to do was pray.

The next week and a half I was a wreck. I worried. I was stressed. I ask about a million and one questions. Friends, family and G-42 staff were patient with me. For a week and a half I wrestled with God. "God what is your will? Do you have something specific for me, or am I to just choose?" I listened to sermons. I read the word. I googled. I even asked Siri, "Siri, What is the will of God for my life?" Clearly Siri didn't know. I was searching for God's audible voice, and what God gave me at the end of this wrestling was freedom;  Freedom from doubt. He freed my mind from second guessing, and He freed me from thinking that this one decision was out of His hands.....

Part 2 soon!

Gratitude: Mobile Life

Pod home I found while walking in the SE..

I would like to live in this little Pod RV. Ya know why? Not so I could be simplistic, minimalistic, unique, adventurous, and a free vagabond, although those things are all my style, but so that I could be near you. I would love to live in this little space pod so that I could move about the world, park in your drive way and spend time with you. My people live in too many places. 

One of my absolute most favorite pieces of writing is the author's note in Through Painted Deserts, by Donald Miller. I have read it at least 100 times, and never tire of it. Each time it speaks something new, breathes new life into me, and reminds me that life is in the memories we make with the people we love. That no matter where we are in the world the most important thing is what God is changing in us, what is being born and what is dying and that we are given one story to live and hopefully it will be one that God sees and smiles at how thankful we are for the life we've been given. 

"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." 

I have moved to be around family, to be near friends, for work, and for school. I have left in search of paradise, only to find a picture of home in my mind.

Gratitude: Brother from another Mother

Me, Mom, and Audi at the beach:) 

It's been a while. Things have been crazy. Things have been busy. My life is hustle and bustle. But amidst the chaos God has stepped in and shown me it is important to stop, to slow down, and breathe Him in.

The last two weeks have been non-stop. Somehow I have been constantly on the Go, but moving in slow motion. I like this pace of life. I have been negligent to post on here, but not to Write, and in writing the thing I am most thankful for recently is you. Well, most likely you- my close friends and family all around the world.

I asked the Lord for close friends I could not live without, and he gave me more than I can keep up with, but none I am willing to give up. I am thankful for walks full of phone dates, friends who forgive me for missing said phone dates and pursue me well to set another. I am thankful for random catch up emails, for snail mail, and even a short text to say hello and I miss you. I am thankful that though I do not feel planted with a house of my own, I have a home in at least 10 states, and 5 continents.

I am thankful that I have 3 biological siblings, but even more thankful the people I call brother and sister number at least 20 and that's not even counting the brothers and sisters I have through my adoption into God's family through Christ.

This week I mourned not being at the WR training camp, because my family is there, but rejoiced that I could fight harder for them in prayer.  I enjoyed family time reading the hunger games aloud, hiking the gorge with good friends, eating at Paradox, and celebrating my sister's 27th birthday,because I am here. I freaked out, because my family from Raleigh is in Portland and we toured the town.

I will always be so close, yet so far away from one person or another, and so all I can do is rejoice. Rejoice that you are in my life. Period. Rejoice that I have people in my life worth missing, and aching to see. Rejoice that God is good. The thought," I don't know why I am so blessed" goes through my mind at least twice a day. You all are the reason behind one of those two thoughts.  You are rejoiced over, thought of, prayed for after said thought, loved, and missed. Thank you for being my family.

Me and Bethany at Powell's books

Adrian and Audrey's first night in Portland with me!

One of my "homes" this is where I currently live:)

Gratitude: Trust

Sometimes I feel really small; like an ant.

I am thankful that God doesn't tower above me with a magnifying glass ready to burn me and my tiny existence. He loves using the small; even the ones who doubt themselves. 

Especially those ones. 

Because he is good at reminding people who they are, by telling them who He is.

I am thankful I can trust Him. 

I'm thankful that after all the excuses I make about my smallness, He fights to prove His love, His steadfastness, and faithfulness. 

When are you going to understand Rachael? 

When are you going to see who I AM? 

When are you going to believe me at my word, and trust my plans? 

If you knew who I was, you wouldn't question who you are, because it's not about you, or what you can do, but who I AM- and what I will do through you.

Exodus: Chapters 3-4


There's a ton to unpack in these two chapters alone, but the main thing that stuck out to me is that Moses says, "Here I am!" immediately followed by, "Who am I?"


I see this in myself so much. "God, Here I am!" and then, " Wait, actually God, I don't know if I'm able. I don't actually know who I am, or what I have  to offer. I think you made a mistake."


I love God's patience, and that He reasons with Moses, He encourages him, shows him miraculous signs, and even lays out the plan of how everything is going to go down. How many of us would love to be told the outcome of something God is calling us to? He tells Moses exactly how others will react, and what he is to do, and what He will do in response and still Moses is hesitant. That age old lie, "Will God really do what he says, did he really say, is He really able?"

Exodus 4:10-13 

 "But Moses pleaded with the Lord, "O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue tied, and my words get tangled." Then the Lord asked Moses, "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decided whether people speak or do not speak, hear or not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now GO! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say."But Moses again pleaded, " Lord, please! Send anyone else."

God is speaking to me about Trust. That He will bring all things to completion, that his plans are for our good not harm. 

Psalm 84: 11-12

" For the Lord is our sun and our shield. 

He gives us grace and glory.

The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

O Lord of Heaven's Armies, 

what joy for those who trust in you!"

He will withhold no good thing. There is no hidden agenda, no trick. He says he gives us GRACE: the empowering strength to persevere. The questioning, the doubt, the fear only bring worry and add to the chaos and inner turmoil, but TRUST in him brings JOY and SHALOM in the middle of it. "Is it not I, the Lord?" I all too often forget who wears the pants in this relationship, who holds all the cards, and who knows what's ahead. Because I am not able to, I throw that view on God. "How can you say there will be Joy?" I ask him. 

Because I AM JOY and I promise to be with you." He replies.