Make a Decision to Decide. Sounds like a funny slogan, but it's one I heard a million times over when I got back from the race. I wasn't ready to make a decision. I was stuck. Stuck like gum on a wall in Seattle. Like a disgusting, germ infested mural that everyone adds to at one point or another, reaffirming you are not alone in feeling immobile. There were so many thoughts, options, dreams, and fears running through my mind. All I wanted to do was hit the off switch and power down for a few months to recuperate. Have you ever been there?
As some of you may have read, I posted a blog about G-42. I posted about my plans to go in July, and then that was the last you heard of it. I refused to be stuck. I vowed not to be aimless. I made a decision to decide in January and then in April I decided to step back from that decision to pray, again. I asked my family to pray with me instead of just for me, and let me know what they thought about my going to G-42, what they heard God speaking, and what questions and concerns they might have. I prayed that in this 2 week period we would all be on the same page, and I would have their support not just because I am their daughter, but because they believe in what I am doing as well.
At the end of the two weeks I was blown away by God's faithfulness, and the unity he had brought over my family, unfortunately I felt paralyzed. My family was all saying Go! I thought I'd instantly buy my ticket if my family was 100% on board, and yet I couldn't move. I was so confused. "God, I don't understand, why do I no longer have a peace about leaving in July? I actually don't feel swayed to leave for Spain or stay in Portland, or anything else. What am I going to do?" I felt like I could do nothing. The only thing I felt able to do was pray.
The next week and a half I was a wreck. I worried. I was stressed. I ask about a million and one questions. Friends, family and G-42 staff were patient with me. For a week and a half I wrestled with God. "God what is your will? Do you have something specific for me, or am I to just choose?" I listened to sermons. I read the word. I googled. I even asked Siri, "Siri, What is the will of God for my life?" Clearly Siri didn't know. I was searching for God's audible voice, and what God gave me at the end of this wrestling was freedom; Freedom from doubt. He freed my mind from second guessing, and He freed me from thinking that this one decision was out of His hands.....
Part 2 soon!
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