“The who leads to the do” 

I am a “doer.” I have constant “to-do” lists running through my mind, on scraps of paper, and now on my phone with cute little check boxes. I have to constantly fight against a works faith of earning God’s grace; “Martha-Syndrome” some might call it. (Luke 10:38-42)

Anyone who knows me well, knows I love to make plans, and then change my mind, and then change it again, and then maybe one more time for good measure. What can I say, I just get excited at the immense amount of possibilities. Making the commitment to go on The World Race was a big deal for me, because I was saying I would be there without changing my mind for 11 months. I am more of the month to month lease type, I have always thought making plans is stifling the spirit. 

As I have grown in my walk with the Lord I thought I was being more open to the spirit, by not making commitments, so at any moment I could pick up and go where he was calling me. But what God has shown me is that’s not for him, but for fear I have done that. I have had a fear of commitments, a fear of discipline, a fear of doing something meaningless, and a fear of “what if I can’t...?” Misty Edwards spoke at the One Thing conference in Kansas City for New Years Eve weekend, and what she spoke on was the fear of Running Aimlessly. Her words resonated in my heart. I could relate to her pacing back and forth in her house, outside, and constantly in her mind- the questions:

 What will I do with my life? What will I become? What will I achieve?

WHAT?

WHAT? 

WHAT?

God started whispering to me through her message there, and gave me the answer I was looking for the next week at the Search Light conference put on by Adventures in Missions Jan 6-12^th in Gainesville, GA.  “The who leads to the do” is a summation of what God spoke to me. One of the speakers at the conference gave a word on “My people perish without vision.”(Proverbs 29:18) I will never be the same. He asked instead of worrying about what the next step is, and planning out our entire life, to ask the questions who will we become? Who will people know us as? Knowing God’s vision for us is a life or death matter, he says,“the people perish without it.” 

I’ve written out a couple times who the Lord says I am, but I didn’t look at it as my life vision. To become that person, and let the Lord dictate the way. He went on to say if you were to die today, what would those closest to you, in the work place, and passerby's say of you? Would what they said line up with the person God created you to be? If not, how can we get there?

Furthermore, What are the dreams he has put inside of you, the passions and desires? 

When someone meets you for 30 seconds, or has known you for years can they see certain things in your character? Do you have characteristics that you want people to take away from your life whenever they encounter you? That no matter who you meet they leave saying “ so and so is: joyful, full of faith, and compassionate..etc.” And so I pondered, what is it that people see in me?

God is all about relationship, Jesus came and showed us God the Father wanted obedience, not sacrifice. That the Father wanted our hearts, not just outward displays. Now don’t get me wrong, faith without works is dead ( James 2:17), but in order to Fish we have to first follow (Luke 5) . SO I sat down with God and asked him those questions above about myself. I asked him what he was trying to teach me now, and to have vision for who he wanted me to be.

In the weeks before this, and even the lasts several months on the race, I had not had clarity about what my next step was. Suddenly, when I wasn’t asking my “thing, or place” is when God gave me the next step. 

This is what I wrote that day: I was created to mother the motherless, to remind those robbed of their identity who they are, and who they were created to be. I was created to create, to bring Joy, to go to the hardest and darkest places and bring life, to restore the Joy of the Lord with music, dancing, painting and cooking- to make a space where children can be children before the Lord, and be risen up into strong men and women of God. I was created to serve, and to speak, and to call people to work alongside me. I was created to be a mover, a shaker, a pioneer, a teacher, a jack of all trades. I was created to always see the glass not half full, or half empty, but over flowing. I was not created to worry, or fear, but instead given a spirit that walks in love, courage, and self-discipline. 

I prayed some more, and again wrote down India, the middle east, street kids, orphans, discipleship, David heart, let the redeemed of the Lord say so, house of dreams, hope..

Then the Lord asked me, “What is it that you want to do Rachael?” If I could choose, what would I do to bring Kingdom? 

I would go and be discipled by someone with a heart like David’s-passionate and sold out for the Lord. I would intern with a non-profit, and work with or open a home for street kids in India where they were given counseling, rehabilitation, schooling, and allowed to just be kids. To learn to create through cooking, writing, painting, singing, dancing, drawing, and any other art form. I would be there to be a mother for them and train them up in the ways of the Lord, believing the Lord would capture their heart and use them in mighty ways throughout India, and the middle east. 

I’d also want to do something in the states, to be someone who goes back and forth, because I want to see the American church woken up as well. 

Later that evening Andrew Shearman spoke, and forgive me for quoting “stuff Christian girls say”, but I saw a David spirit in him. I saw a man passionate about the Lord, about revival, and about discipling a generation to go out and bring Kingdom. I looked at Erin and said, “E, this could be it..” She just looked at me, like she does when I get one of my ideas, and rolled her eyes. “Oh, Lord, here we go.” she said. 

After he spoke I went and talked to him some more about G42 the discipleship school he runs in Mijas, Spain. I went home and prayed about it, slept on it, and had a dream about a little girl from India, telling me I was the one she had been waiting for. I know it sounds crazy, but our God is a crazy radical one, and he is always speaking! I went to the conference in the morning, and again as Andrew Shearman spoke I heard, “ this is the one.” I was unsure what “track” I would even apply for in the school, and Andrew encouraged me to look up the mentors. 

The program I was leaning toward was non profits, and when I clicked on the mentor for that track this is the first thing that popped up:

~RESCUE STREET KIDS IN INDIA~

I started crying. No way. As I read on I realized this is exactly where I am supposed to be. The man who spearheads Light Force and would be my mentor, is George Ridley. They just bought property for Light Force in India, and will be partnering with Sunitha in Andhra Pradesh. You can read more about the vision here:

http://www.lightforce.org.uk/india/home-of-faith/

I applied that night for the generation 42 discipleship program, and have not looked back since. There have been many other opportunities available, that the old me would have jumped at in a second, but I have such a peace and confirmation in my heart that this is where God is calling me. This is a season of preparation and mentoring. A couple of weeks ago I received my acceptance letter, and God has continued to give more vision and open door after door. It has blown me away. To find out more about G42 discipleship school visit:

http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/

I am currently in Raleigh, NC until March 6^th. Tomorrow I will be going to hear Heidi Baker speak at Catch the Fire Ministries. It is incredible how God has brought us both here at the same time. I have heard about her so much this year, had multiple people prophesy that her and I are connected somehow, listened to her preach, read testimonies of the ministry God has entrusted her and her husband Roland with, Iris Ministries, and I am anxious to finally meet her.

I leave for Spain on a one way ticket the first week of July. The school is for 6 months, and I will hopefully be working/interning with Light Force in India for I am not sure how long afterwards. In the meantime I will be in Portland, Oregon working, and support raising. The cost of the discipleship school is $6,300, and my support goal is $8,000 to also help cover airfare, health insurance, and other expenses that are not included in tuition. 

Thank you all so much for continuing to follow my journey. Thank you for those of you who supported me on the race in prayer, reading my blogs, and financially. The opportunity to go on the World Race you helped make a reality has changed my life, and my walk with the Lord. Every testimony I have is also yours, and I hope you continue to invest in me and those the Lord is calling me to. I can never go back to who I was now that my eyes have been opened. 

“I won’t be satisfied until the earth looks just like heaven.”

It would be easier to see you without this Fog..

O Eternal One, it would be easier for me to pray 

if I were clear

And of a single mind, and a pure heart; 

If I could be done hiding from myself

And from you, even in my prayers. 

But I am who I am, 

Mixture of motives and excuses,

Blur of memories, 

Quiver of hopes, 

Knot of fear, 

Tangle of Confusion, and restless with Love, 

For Love.

I wander somewhere between

Gratitude and grievance, 

Wonder and routine, 

High resolve, and undone dreams, 

Generous impulses, and unpaid bills.

Come, find me, Lord. 

Be with me exactly as I am. Help me find me, Lord.

Help me accept what I am, so I can begin to be yours.

Make of me something small enough to snuggle, 

Young enough to question, 

Simple enough to giggle, 

Old enough to forget, 

Foolish enough to act for peace; 

Skeptical enough to doubt

The sufficiency of anything, but you, 

And attentive enough to listen

As you call me out of the tomb of my timidity

Into the chancy glory of my possibilities

And the power of your presence. 

This is from a prayer book, called “ Guerrillas of Grace, Prayers For The Battle” by Ted Loder. He says: 

“ For at last I believe life itself is a prayer, and the prayers we say shape the lives we live, just as the lives we live shape the prayers we say; and it all shapes the kingdom which expresses itself in and among us, and for which we are guerrillas. I hope these prayers help you to take some new territory, to liberate imaginatively some part of your life, my sister and brother guerrillas. “ ..thy kingdom come..”

One of the things God revealed when I went on the world race was that he moved, because I was asking him to. For years I had been content with my complacent life. Content without praying bold prayers, and by striving to do things on my own strength. I had been settling for less, praying weak prayers, and for the most part dishonest and selfish ones. I look back on the past year in awe of some of the things I dared to pray: to interpret tongues, and foreign languages, for the dead to be raised, for rain to come, and rain to cease. I prayed for not the saving of one child, but every child from the streets and sex trafficking- children I was unaware of before, and that I cannot get out of my mind now. I prayed more often for others than myself, and when I did pray for myself it was so that I could be different to help others. 

Lately, most of my prayers, most of my focus has become selfish. In a beautiful season of preparation and expectancy, I have become consumed by my hopes and desires for things that God has said, “it’s not time.” I have let my focus sit on myself, stuck in confusion, and waiting for specific answers instead of being attentive to what God is speaking now. I have gone from asking God what he has for today, back to treating him like a fortune teller. Now, it’s not in every moment, but selfishness is consuming, and it creeps into even the purest of my thoughts. I came home yesterday heavy, for reasons I could’t pin except for that I am a spoiled child- and thankfully I do not always get my way. I sat down with God to ask "why am I not hearing you?" and what came to mind was fog. 

Fog is blocking my clarity. It’s been blocking my joy, my being present, my pressing into my creator to know him more intimately everyday, being used to speak life to others, and fight for them in prayer. Fog has set in, because of my distraction- and as fog does it has hidden the beautiful city beneath it. God is doing breath takingly beautiful things in my life now. He is weaving an adventure I never would have dreamed of before, and I am missing it, because of fog. If only my mind were clear, I could pray. 

So Lord, clear my mind of this Fog that I could be focused on you, on your kingdom, present in the place you have me, here with the people I am blessed to know, and free to receive your love instead of desiring another. I’m tired of my selfishness and “grass is greener, never the right timing mindset”, because it’s false. Now is the perfect time for now. Now is an amazing season, one that won’t happen again and I want to be present for all of it. To see heaven invading earth, and beautiful cities being built out of ashes in places and in people; and in my own heart. Lift the Fog Lord. I’m ready to get to the praising instead of the wallowing and weariness. I’m ready for the joy and the dancing that come from intimacy with you. Separation is unbearable. Slow the busyness of my mind, and my body. Put my Martha spirit of anxiety and what if to rest. I want to just sit at your feet. Amen.

Are your prayers focused on bringing the kingdom? How are they shaping your life, and changing the lives of others? Let us not be the watchmen who fall asleep, but stay up day and night on the walls until there is revival, beauty and a new jerusalem.

Meditation.. Not just a yoga thing

I'm snuggled up by a warm stove reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and drinking a glass of red wine, while eating a spoonful of cookie dough. Just a typical night for me. If you have not heard of this book, go and pick it up now. It is incredible. Not a dry read at all, in fact the opposite. In the opening pages He writes :

" Neither should we think of the Spiritual disciplines as some dull drudgery aimed at exterminating laughter from the face of the earth. Joy is the keynote of the disciplines. The purpose of the disciplines is LIBERATION from the stifling SLAVERY  to self interest and fear. When the inner spirit is liberated from all that weighs it down, it can hardly be described as dull drudgery. Singing, dancing, even shouting characterize the disciplines of the spiritual life.."

I am still on the first chapter on MEDITATION. If you're like me then you immediately think someone sitting cross-legged with some candles, trying to float, and thinking of good karma. That's actually not it at all, that's a distorted twisted version of something God calls us to as believers. He calls us to sit and listen to his voice, and to meditate on his word day and night**.

Foster writes, " What happens in meditation is that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary in the heart.." That means not at a coffee shop, busy and distracting, not on the fly with a rushing spirit, but in the quiet, solitude that we separate ourselves from the things that pull us from him, and say " Here I am Lord." 

The verse Rev 3:20, " I stand at the door and knock.." was originally penned for believers, not unbelievers. We who have turned our lives over to Christ need to know how very much he longs to eat with us, to commune with us. He desires a perpetual Eucharistic feast in the inner sanctuary of the heart."

WHile Eastern religion aims to detach from the world, Christian meditation is for attachment. The detachment from the confusion all around us in order to have a richer attachment to God. Christian meditation leads us to the inner wholeness necessary to give ourselves freely."

I want to leave meditation with a heart more like the Fathers. To quote William Pen, " True Godliness does not turn men out of the world, but ENABLES them to live better in it, and excites their endeavors to mend it." 

So when was the last time you turned off your cell phone. Shut the computer, and maybe canceled plans to retreat to a quiet place with God and meditate on his word, to fight through the chaos of your thoughts and find his voice. I know it is there somewhere, pushing to get to the surface if we would only take a moment to desire connecting with him. It's like seeing into God's stream of thought for a moment after he's thought it. He wants us to be in tune with what he is speaking. Otherwise how will we accomplish anything? Our own strength is futile. As I heard this morning you can't "do" to become a follower of Christ, you must abide, know him, be in his presence, the "doing" comes from the follow- it does not replace it. 

I have to be honest, and say it's been a while since I've gotten rid of all distraction and meditated. But thankfully I'm free tomorrow, and it's currently snowing outside. Looks like God was calling me to him near the fireplace with a cup of tea. I hope you have the same opportunity. Would love to hear how it goes!

** Genesis 24:63

    Joshua 1:8

    Psalm 1:2

    Psalm 25:5

    Psalm 63:5-6

    Psalm 119:15, 97

    Proverbs 29:18

    Proverbs 23:26

Valentines Schmalentines

This is a little excessive, don't you think. 

Today is Valentine's Day. Valentines Schmalentines. I have long been a part of the haters club, and as another year rolls by without a "Valentine" I will continue to do so. Maybe it's because so much of me is the Romantic, and Valentines Day to me is just, well, not.

That could be because I have not had a "real" Valentine myself; someone to plan something romantic and buy me flowers and candy. 

OR 

It could be, because I don't buy into the commercialism of romance. Out of the blue, when no one is reminding you to Love, that's when I want to be loved. I want to be woo-ed and swept off my feet with flowers, and a trip to loco pops just because it's 3 o'clock on a Tuesday and you couldn't help yourself. That's my kind of Romance. 

Today I thought back to to see if I had any fond Valentines day memories, and 2 memories came to mind.. *cue the reminiscent fog*

Once when I was in the 5th grade, in Sweet home, Oregon I celebrated Valentines day. I was asked on a "date" by a little boy, who's name escapes me now, to go see "Titanic" when it had first come out. It was a PG-13 movie, and my parents had forbidden me to go, but for the sake of love I set out in the cover of night after my parents had turned my light out. Scandalous. In those days it was pretty easy for me to sneak out of my window, and the rebel in me couldn't resist. I met my friend, and partner in crime, Kelsey on the way and our dates met us in front of the theatre. As 5th graders, they paid our way in ( take notes gentlemen, as 5th graders!) and even brought along heart candies, and a single rose for each of us... I remember getting home after and thinking, "Wow, could this be love?" and then crying, because I remembered I had left my rose in the seat beside me. I had no idea boys at that age only want a girl on Valentines day, because that's what they're told they need, and the next day would go back to pulling my hair, and pushing me down on the playground. 

One day out of the year, that doesn't sound like everlasting Love. Even so, I remember in the years to follow feeling an emptiness that I didn't have a Valentine's date. I remember being surrounded by girls around me who would start dating someone they weren't really interested in just before Valentine's day so they're singleness wouldn't be magnified. So many hasty romances due to fear of being alone. Our society has fed us something terribly incorrect. An attitude that says if we aren't with someone we aren't loved, that our value comes from the relationship we are in, and in a lot of cases- better to sell short and be with "someone" instead of no one, right?

The second likable Valentines day memory I have was a couple years back when I was nannying full time here in Raleigh, NC. Most of my days back then were spent with a little boy, named Adrian Mangano. At the time he was 4 years old. I woke up on Valentines day and came down the stairs to find flowers on the kitchen table. "Aw, that's sweet," I thought. Flowers every week were not uncommon for the Mangano's. I love how they love each other. A couple minutes later Adrian came in, a smile on his face, and pointed to the flowers, " These are for you for Valentines Day, Rachael. They're not the right ones though! Mommy got the wrong ones. I told her I knew which ones were your favorite. I know the kind you like." I cried. Even being a "schmalentiner" I cried. I cried, because a 4 year old boy was the only current male that knew my favorite flower. I cried, because it was adorable. And I cried, because my valentine was from a 4 year old male instead of a twenty-somethings male. Even standing on a soap box, disliking Valentines day there's still the desire to be woo-ed, to be noticed, and known. 

This year I decided I'd beat Valentine's Day to the chase, and make plans on my own. I wouldn't secretly hope for someone to ask me out, or take me on an adventure, to get gifts from a secret admirer, or receive my favorite flowers. I decided that today really was going to be like any other day for me, and I was going to aid in someone else being woo-ed. 

I volunteered to babysit for the Alexanders, an amazing family I live with and love here in Raleigh. While they're not much of "Valentiners" either, they decided fighting the crowds was worth it just to get a night off together. I arrived at 6 pm to their normal dinner chaos, with three kids, what else do you expect. But it's good chaos, the chaos of a full home. On the counter were 3 vases of beautiful flowers. "Aww, that's sweet." I said." "One's for you," Daniel replied. "From the Alexander men (meaning himself, 4 year old Jack and 6 year old David) to the ladies of the house.." I had a moment where I wanted to cry, but instead I chose to just smell the roses ( or flower medley). 

"You will not get the best of me this year Valentines day!" ( fist pumped in the air). I know that I'm loved- that's the beauty and sweetness I take from these flowers, the emptiness can't creep up, because void is no longer there to be magnified. I am loved by families, loved by friends, and especially 4 year old boys. But not just at an earthly glance, I am loved by my creator.  I am someone's beloved, I am a beloved of the King, Christ, my Lord and Savior, he is my beloved as well. No hasty romances necessary. He tells me my worth. He tells me my value is not found in the relationship I am in here, but in my relationship with him. Even when my "Boaz" to use Christian lingo as is only proper, eventually comes who I am remains in the Lord. And so I sit here on Valentines day, content, even full of Joy, a beautiful vase of flowers to my left, and a cup of chai to my right, not willing to settle just for a "mighty man."

Here's to my Beloved, whoever you are, " May we smite Valentines day and just go about loving each other every other day of the year instead. 

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!

     So I am kind of cheating by reposting old blogs, but before I fully enter into this new season the old needs to be revisited, appreciated and God needs to receive praises for all he has already done. In a year he picked me up and set me down on a completely new path. He healed hurts in my heart, renewed my mind, gave me more freedom than I could dream of asking for, and incredible travel companions that have turned into family. I feel like for the first time in my life I have vision as to what's coming next, next, and next. I have something I am walking toward, preparing for and that the Lord continues to build on. There is freedom for the Lord to move throughout the process, but I am not wandering aimless. I am working first towards becoming the woman he created me to BE, and then what he is calling me to do. When I was in Peru the ladies had a declarations night and this is just a little of who God says I am. More to come on casting vision for who you want to be!

I am a Daughter of the King

I carry a spirit of Honor and virtue that infects everyone around me

I dream big dreams, because my dad is creator of the universe

I am a daughter of the king

I am set apart, forgiven and accepted

I am worthy of Love, I am lovable, I am loved.

I am free and alive

Full of Grace

I am not too much

I am Joy

I am a fighter, a mover shaker, and a pryer

I was made to make people uncomfortable and to show them the fullness of life

I was made to hold hands, to pull people into his presence

I am Royalty, and I have Regality

I am an intercessor, a healer of spirit and flesh

Mender of the brokenhearted

I am a dancer, a writer, cook, and artist

I am willing to be misunderstood

He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world

I am Holy, a Saint, a temple of the Holy Spirit, a light. 

I am an interpreter

I am a leader, a pastor, a mother

I am called, I have purpose, I hear his voice

I am a builder, I am his bride, his pride and JOY

I am superwoman and he hears my prayers

I am my beloveds and he is mine

I am concerned for my brothers and sisters

I am the first to be last

I am Mary and Martha

I am a fire blazing

I am Wild, a child, I am fierce

hear me ROAR! 

I am a force to be reckoned with

I was created to create, to speak life, and speak things into existence

I call life out of others

I am a warrior princess

I am the first to jump

fearless

I am full of humility, grace, and wisdom

I am clothed in righteousness

I am obedient and submissive

I am slow to speak and quick to listen

I have the power and authority to command God's army of angels. 

I am his girl

I am a connector, I build bridges

I have unshakable, untamable faith, because I serve the one true God who tells me who I am.

I am Woman, hear me ROAR!

** God is telling me more and more everyday who I am. Take some time to sit and just listen to his voice, ask him who you are, he will always answer. He screams it at us in his word, and tells us everyday if we'll unblock our ears to listen.**

Part 5- I've Seen I AM

She awoke to a knock. She smiled, surprised at her reaction; she knew she was ready.  She tussled her hair, pulled on her rain boots and turned the key. Anticipation welled up inside her as the lock clicked free and she turned the handle. He looked into her eyes and she was lost in the Love she saw in His. He looked past her appearance and saw into her soul. " I love you", he said. " Follow me", and he held out his hand.  As she stepped out the door and took His hand, the house crumbled behind her setting fire and she ran through the path he cleared before her... She ran through the afternoon, but did not become weary. Finally, they stopped in a field of lilies, enclosed by white birches  just as the sun was setting on the horizon. They laid on their backs in the soft grass, and he whispered into her ear wooing her and making her heart swell with joy. She had smiled so much that day her cheeks hurt, and she saw no rest for them in the days to come. He loved her, and she was His.He had made a place inside her heart, and she could never again hide from him. She didn't want to hide from Him.  He waved His hand above them and stars burst into view like a canopy surrounding her on all sides. She laid her head on His chest, and fell asleep, lost in love, resting in His embrace, and free for the first time.  " I've seen I am, now I know that I am loved. I've seen I am, and now I know who I am. I saw you Jesus. I saw your eyes. I saw your smile. Maybe it was just a dream, but I believe it is reality. You walked right through my walls... I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I am Loved. I'm Loved, I'm Loved, I am Loved, I am Loved, I am Loved by the I AM. "  ~ Jonathan David Helser

Part 4- He's Here

The next day she looked out her window and He was sitting on top of the far wall. With ease He jumped down into the maze and her heart skipped a beat. What was He doing? She had not agreed to finally meet Him face to face! That night she tossed and turned. She was in a cave sitting in complete darkness, and she was terrified. There was a chill in the air, and she wanted out as fast as possible. She shakily stood up and grappled her way to the wall, tripping over rocks and skinning her knees. She walked for what seemed like hours, and finally sank to her knees exhausted, and began to weep. She cried into the darkness,  " Where are you? I need you! I'm scared!" Still silence, and no reply. " Don't give up on my please! I'll follow you, just bring me out of here!" she wept and buried her face in the dirt.       A wind blew in through the cave and she suddenly felt someone right beside her. She knew it was Him as His fingers intertwined in with hers and He lifted her off the cold earth. Together they walked hand in hand in a comfortable silence. Each step she took she could feel burdens falling off of her shoulders and disappearing into the emptiness she was leaving behind. Finally she saw the light at the opening of the cave and stepped into it, breathing in the fresh air; Life. it was the most beautiful scene she had ever witnessed. Mountains surrounded her on all sides and the river winding between them in the valley was the deepest blue, but even from this distance she felt she could see to the bottom of it. She walked to the edge of the cliff, and spread her arms wide surrendering to whatever this moment had. He held her there, and she was no longer afraid. If she jumped he would catch her. Fear no longer had it's grips on her.