It would be easier to see you without this Fog..

O Eternal One, it would be easier for me to pray 

if I were clear

And of a single mind, and a pure heart; 

If I could be done hiding from myself

And from you, even in my prayers. 

But I am who I am, 

Mixture of motives and excuses,

Blur of memories, 

Quiver of hopes, 

Knot of fear, 

Tangle of Confusion, and restless with Love, 

For Love.

I wander somewhere between

Gratitude and grievance, 

Wonder and routine, 

High resolve, and undone dreams, 

Generous impulses, and unpaid bills.

Come, find me, Lord. 

Be with me exactly as I am. Help me find me, Lord.

Help me accept what I am, so I can begin to be yours.

Make of me something small enough to snuggle, 

Young enough to question, 

Simple enough to giggle, 

Old enough to forget, 

Foolish enough to act for peace; 

Skeptical enough to doubt

The sufficiency of anything, but you, 

And attentive enough to listen

As you call me out of the tomb of my timidity

Into the chancy glory of my possibilities

And the power of your presence. 

This is from a prayer book, called “ Guerrillas of Grace, Prayers For The Battle” by Ted Loder. He says: 

“ For at last I believe life itself is a prayer, and the prayers we say shape the lives we live, just as the lives we live shape the prayers we say; and it all shapes the kingdom which expresses itself in and among us, and for which we are guerrillas. I hope these prayers help you to take some new territory, to liberate imaginatively some part of your life, my sister and brother guerrillas. “ ..thy kingdom come..”

One of the things God revealed when I went on the world race was that he moved, because I was asking him to. For years I had been content with my complacent life. Content without praying bold prayers, and by striving to do things on my own strength. I had been settling for less, praying weak prayers, and for the most part dishonest and selfish ones. I look back on the past year in awe of some of the things I dared to pray: to interpret tongues, and foreign languages, for the dead to be raised, for rain to come, and rain to cease. I prayed for not the saving of one child, but every child from the streets and sex trafficking- children I was unaware of before, and that I cannot get out of my mind now. I prayed more often for others than myself, and when I did pray for myself it was so that I could be different to help others. 

Lately, most of my prayers, most of my focus has become selfish. In a beautiful season of preparation and expectancy, I have become consumed by my hopes and desires for things that God has said, “it’s not time.” I have let my focus sit on myself, stuck in confusion, and waiting for specific answers instead of being attentive to what God is speaking now. I have gone from asking God what he has for today, back to treating him like a fortune teller. Now, it’s not in every moment, but selfishness is consuming, and it creeps into even the purest of my thoughts. I came home yesterday heavy, for reasons I could’t pin except for that I am a spoiled child- and thankfully I do not always get my way. I sat down with God to ask "why am I not hearing you?" and what came to mind was fog. 

Fog is blocking my clarity. It’s been blocking my joy, my being present, my pressing into my creator to know him more intimately everyday, being used to speak life to others, and fight for them in prayer. Fog has set in, because of my distraction- and as fog does it has hidden the beautiful city beneath it. God is doing breath takingly beautiful things in my life now. He is weaving an adventure I never would have dreamed of before, and I am missing it, because of fog. If only my mind were clear, I could pray. 

So Lord, clear my mind of this Fog that I could be focused on you, on your kingdom, present in the place you have me, here with the people I am blessed to know, and free to receive your love instead of desiring another. I’m tired of my selfishness and “grass is greener, never the right timing mindset”, because it’s false. Now is the perfect time for now. Now is an amazing season, one that won’t happen again and I want to be present for all of it. To see heaven invading earth, and beautiful cities being built out of ashes in places and in people; and in my own heart. Lift the Fog Lord. I’m ready to get to the praising instead of the wallowing and weariness. I’m ready for the joy and the dancing that come from intimacy with you. Separation is unbearable. Slow the busyness of my mind, and my body. Put my Martha spirit of anxiety and what if to rest. I want to just sit at your feet. Amen.

Are your prayers focused on bringing the kingdom? How are they shaping your life, and changing the lives of others? Let us not be the watchmen who fall asleep, but stay up day and night on the walls until there is revival, beauty and a new jerusalem.