Living on Love: Gratitude: Deciding ( The choice to choose.. part 2)

How cool is the Fremont Troll- a fun way to be reminded that there are things bigger than me:)

I went to visit a good friend in Seattle the first weekend of May. A change of scenery, an amazing car ride just me and the Lord, and finally I heard him speak. I was told, "Rachael, you're not going to surprise God with your decision. He won't cup his hand over his mouth, gasp and exclaim, " I can't believe she just decided that!" You can step outside of His will by sinning, but you cannot step outside of His sovereignty." Truth shattered fear. Bits of doubt broke away. You cannot step outside of HIs sovereignty. My decision is not bigger than God.

As the rest of the weekend went on God's whisper was present in my ear. I was in town for a baby shower, and found myself constantly surrounded by pregnant, or at least married women. Even at church it was like everyone, and their mom was pregnant and one false move, one accidental bump and I could send someone into labor. Normally, in these situations I would have a wide smile grin on my face on the outside, and inside be fighting jealousy, comparison, and loneliness. I would be asking the question, "When me Lord?" But this weekend was different. I was surprised that the question never even came to mind. All of this thankfulness in the everyday, in the small things must be paying off. In being thankful for everything going on in my life it has finally after years of fighting it, brought me to a place of contentment. I am not looking on the other side for green grass, but digging my toes in the ground beneath my feet and breathing in the fresh air right where I am.

As I watched my friends interact as a married couple, I realized just how thankful I am to still be single. Don't get me wrong, their marriage is beautiful; marriage is holy and awesome, but a decision I consider small is magnified in marriage, because two have become one, and now must operate like so. Likewise, a decision that has seemed so large, like the one that could change the course of my life forever, shrunk to it's rightful proportion. This decision to go to Spain now, to stay in Portland, or otherwise is being made by me. While friends and family do weigh in, I am going where I feel God is leading, and he has given me the choice to choose where that will be. I am deciding for one, and I am so thankful for that. One day I may be deciding for two, and then three, and four, but today it's just me. Another wave of Peace hit me, and pressure was released. There is freedom in a decision.

God gave us free will. He entrusted us with a choice. He wanted us to choose to love him. Not be forced to like robots, but to see His goodness, and be awestruck by his glory. He wanted us to fall in love with him, and love is not real love unless there is the option to say No. God trusts me with decisions. Instead of feeling weak in the face of this decision I should feel empowered that the one who created the universe is allowing me to make it. He empowers me with His grace. No matter what mistake I may make, wrong turn I may take, if I am pursuing Him He sets my feet on the right path-He continues to draw me into himself. In the words of Donald Miller,

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

I'm thankful for green apes playing bucket drums for my entertainment

Driving back to Portland on I-5 Sunday, the sun scattered freckles across my arms and my cheeks, and I finally felt able. Able to make a decision. I talked to God and said, " Lord, I'd really like G-42 to be a part of my story. I don't want to waste a second of this time when I am single. I'm thankful for the things and people in my life that pull me to stay, but Rejoice for the freedom to pick up and go in this moment. I want my story to be one so jam packed with everything life could offer. I don't know why I am so blessed, but debating why I am and another isn't doesn't solve anything. Lord, use me in this time. Use my life to sprinkle blessings on everyone around me. I have been given much and want to share the wealth. G-42 is the way I feel I can pursue you best and step towards the vision you've given me all in one. I'm going for it. I know you're with me, and I know you are much bigger than this moment. "

Mirror Man

God's violent Peace shook me on the way home from Seattle. I don't have to have everything figured out, I can walk towards what's to come, but at the end of the day I can rest easy knowing that my story ends well- In the words of John Mark Comer. This one decision will determine setting, characters, maybe some conflict, and climax, but the resolution is always the same; the ultimate ending, and that is that Jesus returns. He's Lord, and He comes back to right the world. Everything else pales. I look a little ahead and stress. I need to look further out and see that it ends well. My story is good. I am part of a redeeming, powerful, transforming, and victorious future. I'll leave you with Donald Miller. I couldn't write it better myself.

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

A few more things I'm thankful for.....